Congratulations! I learned that I'm autistic last year and it was one of the most revelatory events of my life. I looked back and recontextualized so much of how I've acted, how I've reacted, how people have responded to me, how I work best, and more. My new self-knowledge is such a relief and I hope it's the same for you. It informs how I make choices and how I give myself the best chance of success in a world that still isn't set up to accommodate neurodiverse people. Warm thoughts to you!
just wanted to thank you for doing this. it’s a service. autism runs in my family and i’ve also been in relationships with spectrum folks. there is so much i wish i’d known, the conversations were never had, and the diagnoses never discovered in some cases. everything seems so clear in hindsight that it’s heartbreaking. open-heart things like this will help a lot of people. thank you. ♥️♥️
No real question here. Just want to assure you that all people who love you as a person and your writings will still do - any diagnosis doesn't change who you are, right? Don't care about the rest of the people.
But of course it changed your own view onto yourself. Maybe a bit like when you love a painting for decades and think you know it by heart - and then somebody points at some detail here and some colors there and everything makes even more sense. It is the same picture, though - the painting you love. But your perception changed. Sometimes this may happen with a piece of music, or some book - or afilm. Or a person. Or yourself. Still the same.
Really appreciate you sharing this. I'm starting to be pretty certain of ADHD for myself, and have some testing scheduled soon. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD last year and also suspects he might be autistic as well. What you've said in the other comments about having a frame for understanding yourself (paraphrasing) and feeling empowered to share it really resonates. Thank you
I live in the Bay Area and work in high tech so this post puts me in mind of Temple Grandin's observation about my industry in my neighborhood https://www.mercurynews.com/2014/01/21/temple-grandin-half-of-silicon-valleys-got-mild-autism I suspect if we got better at diagnosing autism, it would be recognized as so much more common than people think, and therefore have so much less stigma and shame. I'm pretty sure my father was autistic, but no one ever diagnosed it (just like no one ever diagnosed his dyslexia). I don't have anything to ask, but good for you for putting it out there: let's get more people talking about it and let's normalize this.
As someone who has been slowly making my way toward formal recognition to negotiate for workplace accommodations (one half-session left and then the debrief) I worry also about too MUCH "recognition". Especially by journalists, unless it's of their own personal situation.
Like gluten intolerance, allergies, migraines, asthma - when medical conditions became normalized in this way, then the automatic reflex to someone sharing that they have one of these conditions is a superficial "oh I know what that is; it's not that bad". Or inappropriate "treatments" that are tiresome to debunk. Our lazy brains want to binarize, but all of these as well as autism exist on a spectrum of how much they can handicap a person. This is not true of all medical conditions, but invisible handicaps are almost always difficult to acknowledge as such, much less recognize.
Not that it's my choice, but while societal acceptance and some normalization are nice, we're not going to escape judgments for being outliers. These will either become less socially acceptable in their maintenance of negative old stereotypes (witness "racist"), or the more socially acceptable dismissal of truly autistic people's needs because everyone and their dog now is autistic and the person across from you has made the snap judgment that you are following a fad because they think they know what autism is thanks to ten years of activism from closeted but functional autistics and you don't meet their stereotype. It's a political choice to make such a judgment, but it can and will be damaging.
Obviously I am not saying that all aspects of autistic existence are handicaps - some can be distinct advantages - but it's not particularly helpful for the general public to conflate "autistic" with either "dysfunctional misanthropist" or "hyper-functional genius".
I hear this. I also hear the fear that this will make things worse, and despair of ever really seeing positive meaningful change.
I also don’t know if you’re implying, by this, that I’m just ‘a bit’ autistic or that I somehow don’t understand people who are genuinely limited because I’m ‘functional’. I assure you that that is not the case.
Yes, you are right. I am afraid, although there is hope in addition to despair.
Second paragraph: no, of course not. I apologize for letting you even entertain the thought. What I meant to express was my concern about, and experience with, the counter-intuitive situation that once a rare(ish) condition becomes better known to the general public, your friends and allies in the general public overestimate their expertise in their newfound knowledge. They then use it to be that much more dismissive of the real expertise /acquired over time/ either by committed academics or by people living a situation in their flesh.
"Functional" is entirely a question of context, independent of autism.
Most of my relationships until now have lasted almost exactly as long as it took for me to feel comfortable not masking, or until masking became impossible.
When it became clear that there wasn’t a ‘normal woman’ underneath the quirky, dynamic, manic pixie weirdo- that actually the private self is that, only weirder and more sensitive to interruptions and sudden changes in the schedule.
It has tended to disappoint people. So much so that I truly brace for impact when people I care about tell me how very clever I am, because that usually means I’m to be dumped.
What is the thing you wish people knew before interacting with you? What behavior or action would you take when interacting with another autistic person if you knew in advance?
For me, it depends whether the interactions are in-person or not. In person, I wish I could hand people a little card that says ‘I cannot read vibes and am sometimes accidentally inappropriate. I would consider it a favour if you would make your needs and boundaries as clear as possible. Also, please ignore all my body language. I might not look you in the eye, but chances are I’m really interested in what you have to say.’
When interacting with another autistic person- I’d ask if they had any specific sensory needs, but I generally feel a little freer, to be honest. One of the things that clued me in was how much more natural I’ve always found it interacting with autistic people than anyone else.
I think this is a bit unfair in the assumption of intent. I try to be truthful and honest in my conversations with other people as much as possible. I get that the social cues and gambits NT people may use out of habit could appear as deceptions or misdirection, but that's not at all the intent unless the person is an actual manipulator or liar. I've met plenty of manipulators and liars, and they do use these tools to their advantage, but, at least in my case, that's never my intent.
As in am I also autistic? No no, I’m just (perhaps in the wrong place at the wrong time) pushing back against the statement that neurotypical people like myself are lying all the time. Communicating in a way that is frustrating or confusing for ND people, perhaps, but lying is something else altogether.
I’ve never been diagnosed. In fact, I’m an empathic mental health therapist. I never understood the diagnosis. Now that I’m turning 70 and retired it has become clear that my fears and my differences make sense. Of course I never understood the diagnosis . . . for me it is simply normal. As I’ve looked back over my life there are finally things I understand, yet I’m still at a loss as to how to put the pieces of my puzzle together.
Have realized over the last couple of years that I’m a toxic mix of being moderately-to-severely depressed while on the spectrum. Now reaching a point that I can’t imagine what it would be like to be normal other than (I presume) less stressed, short-tempered and Gary, which I attribute to frustrations of life given, IMO, extremely limited abilities or skills for a normal life. Too, there’s a lot of that If I knew then… thing. That is, if I knew then, maybe I would have done better in therapy. Maybe. But I would have made an effort not to get involved in what would end poorly — that is, pretty much every relationship in my life.
I should be clear that however judgmental I am about myself in no way is meant to extend to anyone else. I’m me and am a proven POS for reasons. Doesn’t mean that anyone like me is anywhere near as bad as I and I certainly don’t believe being anything like me means that POS thing. I see my life as a maze with only bad turns and no way out. Again, not imputing that to anyone else.
Oh so familiar. Especially the relationship issue, but I was fortunate to find a good fit with a man as quirky as I. Actually one more intelligent who appreciates my oddness unconditionally. This was a turning point for my own POS view of self, but it still lurks in the shadow and finds its way out when I judge myself. Haha. Sadly this is most days. I’m currently reading Robert A. Johnson’s Owning Your Own Shadow. Aha moments galore!
If you were I was simply going to follow. No worries. Some days I deal with it, others I stay away. I got involved because of my book—not the one already published but another I considered querying for representation. I am moving and putting most of my life in boxes until I want to jump back in. For now, I’m simply looking forward to getting baby chicks and a donkey. I may never leave home again except for groceries I can’t grow.
Did you 'know' before you 'knew'? As in did you suspect you may be, or seriously self-diagnose (or get told by someone close) prior to actual diagnosis?
Just curious - as I was formally diagnosed with ADHD (and a few comorbidities due to a lifetime of masking it) two months ago, and having an actual label has really made me take stock, despite having an inkling before.
I was formally diagnosed with ADHD in 2015, and it helped a great deal.
I have been sure about the autism for more than three years, but around a month and a half ago I got the ‘conclusive proof’, and similarly, it actually did make a lot more of a difference than I thought.
Do you think that adult diagnosis brings a sense of relief and a different perspective to being diagnosed as a child? Because for me autism is nothing more than a burden in my life, which I thought nerfed my social skills but actually does so much more damage than that.
I'd guess this would be hard for Laurie to know, having only being diagnosed as an adult. I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I was diagnosed very young with OCD... and I find it hard to feel positive about the diagnosis, but I can see how if I'd been diagnosed as an adult, the explanatory aspect of the diagnosis might have been a relief.
I'm generally very conflicted about a fully affirmative model of neurodivergence. I do think that society is structured in a lot of ways that have made having OCD harder to deal with (certainly a lot of childhood bullying) but I also think it would be frustrating and difficulty at best in a society tailored to my neurodivergence (which is frankly already tailored to my privileges of race and gender already!)
I'm debating whether to read 'Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking: A Life Lived Obsessively' or not!
It’s already changed my life in a lot of ways. I’ve never not been autistic, but now I know that my autistic traits are morally neutral firmware. I can adapt better to neurotypical people now I know more about what life is like for them. I can stop beating myself up for things I can’t change and lean into the great parts of having this sort of brain.
Besides Facebook recommendations, what made you realise? I’ve wondered for a while if I might have ADD or something similar, but never managed to get round to looking into it (which may be further evidence of the problem…).
How do those two interact anyway? To an untrained outsider, they sound like opposites - autism making people hyper-focus on certain things, ADD damaging the ability to focus and concentrate…
Aha! It’s not well known enough, but ADHD also means you hyper-focus. It’s more like ‘difficulty regulating attention.’ I’m either very focused or not at all.
Congratulations! I learned that I'm autistic last year and it was one of the most revelatory events of my life. I looked back and recontextualized so much of how I've acted, how I've reacted, how people have responded to me, how I work best, and more. My new self-knowledge is such a relief and I hope it's the same for you. It informs how I make choices and how I give myself the best chance of success in a world that still isn't set up to accommodate neurodiverse people. Warm thoughts to you!
just wanted to thank you for doing this. it’s a service. autism runs in my family and i’ve also been in relationships with spectrum folks. there is so much i wish i’d known, the conversations were never had, and the diagnoses never discovered in some cases. everything seems so clear in hindsight that it’s heartbreaking. open-heart things like this will help a lot of people. thank you. ♥️♥️
I’m sorry about that. What is it that now seems clear, if you’re able to say?
Long time listener, first time caller, just wanted to say what a beautiful, simple and inspiring post that was.
Thank you,.
Thank you. Loads and loads more to say about this! xxx
Hi, Laurie.
I can identify with this, a great deal.
There has been something going on for decades, when I have unknowingly tortured myself in jobs and places, I didn't belong.
Asperger's or something was how it was described.
There was a lot of head nodding, when a friend heard me describe my three days and nights, at the computer.
History dissertation, an academic had published something that just didn't feel correct.
I can do massive attention to detail, and regard it as spiritual quest.
Not formally diagnosed, it just all makes sense.
Best wishes,
Rob.
No real question here. Just want to assure you that all people who love you as a person and your writings will still do - any diagnosis doesn't change who you are, right? Don't care about the rest of the people.
But of course it changed your own view onto yourself. Maybe a bit like when you love a painting for decades and think you know it by heart - and then somebody points at some detail here and some colors there and everything makes even more sense. It is the same picture, though - the painting you love. But your perception changed. Sometimes this may happen with a piece of music, or some book - or afilm. Or a person. Or yourself. Still the same.
Love,
Daniel
Me, too. And I didn’t figure it out until I was in my 50s.
Really appreciate you sharing this. I'm starting to be pretty certain of ADHD for myself, and have some testing scheduled soon. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD last year and also suspects he might be autistic as well. What you've said in the other comments about having a frame for understanding yourself (paraphrasing) and feeling empowered to share it really resonates. Thank you
I live in the Bay Area and work in high tech so this post puts me in mind of Temple Grandin's observation about my industry in my neighborhood https://www.mercurynews.com/2014/01/21/temple-grandin-half-of-silicon-valleys-got-mild-autism I suspect if we got better at diagnosing autism, it would be recognized as so much more common than people think, and therefore have so much less stigma and shame. I'm pretty sure my father was autistic, but no one ever diagnosed it (just like no one ever diagnosed his dyslexia). I don't have anything to ask, but good for you for putting it out there: let's get more people talking about it and let's normalize this.
As someone who has been slowly making my way toward formal recognition to negotiate for workplace accommodations (one half-session left and then the debrief) I worry also about too MUCH "recognition". Especially by journalists, unless it's of their own personal situation.
Like gluten intolerance, allergies, migraines, asthma - when medical conditions became normalized in this way, then the automatic reflex to someone sharing that they have one of these conditions is a superficial "oh I know what that is; it's not that bad". Or inappropriate "treatments" that are tiresome to debunk. Our lazy brains want to binarize, but all of these as well as autism exist on a spectrum of how much they can handicap a person. This is not true of all medical conditions, but invisible handicaps are almost always difficult to acknowledge as such, much less recognize.
Not that it's my choice, but while societal acceptance and some normalization are nice, we're not going to escape judgments for being outliers. These will either become less socially acceptable in their maintenance of negative old stereotypes (witness "racist"), or the more socially acceptable dismissal of truly autistic people's needs because everyone and their dog now is autistic and the person across from you has made the snap judgment that you are following a fad because they think they know what autism is thanks to ten years of activism from closeted but functional autistics and you don't meet their stereotype. It's a political choice to make such a judgment, but it can and will be damaging.
Obviously I am not saying that all aspects of autistic existence are handicaps - some can be distinct advantages - but it's not particularly helpful for the general public to conflate "autistic" with either "dysfunctional misanthropist" or "hyper-functional genius".
I hear this. I also hear the fear that this will make things worse, and despair of ever really seeing positive meaningful change.
I also don’t know if you’re implying, by this, that I’m just ‘a bit’ autistic or that I somehow don’t understand people who are genuinely limited because I’m ‘functional’. I assure you that that is not the case.
Yes, you are right. I am afraid, although there is hope in addition to despair.
Second paragraph: no, of course not. I apologize for letting you even entertain the thought. What I meant to express was my concern about, and experience with, the counter-intuitive situation that once a rare(ish) condition becomes better known to the general public, your friends and allies in the general public overestimate their expertise in their newfound knowledge. They then use it to be that much more dismissive of the real expertise /acquired over time/ either by committed academics or by people living a situation in their flesh.
"Functional" is entirely a question of context, independent of autism.
How do you think its affected partnerships? Close relationships, people who you don't mask for?
Most of my relationships until now have lasted almost exactly as long as it took for me to feel comfortable not masking, or until masking became impossible.
When it became clear that there wasn’t a ‘normal woman’ underneath the quirky, dynamic, manic pixie weirdo- that actually the private self is that, only weirder and more sensitive to interruptions and sudden changes in the schedule.
It has tended to disappoint people. So much so that I truly brace for impact when people I care about tell me how very clever I am, because that usually means I’m to be dumped.
Aside from how heartbreaking that is, how has that changed with your new relationship? What happened differently to say, 'Reader, I married him?'
What is the thing you wish people knew before interacting with you? What behavior or action would you take when interacting with another autistic person if you knew in advance?
You ask the best questions, Fran!
For me, it depends whether the interactions are in-person or not. In person, I wish I could hand people a little card that says ‘I cannot read vibes and am sometimes accidentally inappropriate. I would consider it a favour if you would make your needs and boundaries as clear as possible. Also, please ignore all my body language. I might not look you in the eye, but chances are I’m really interested in what you have to say.’
When interacting with another autistic person- I’d ask if they had any specific sensory needs, but I generally feel a little freer, to be honest. One of the things that clued me in was how much more natural I’ve always found it interacting with autistic people than anyone else.
I think this is a bit unfair in the assumption of intent. I try to be truthful and honest in my conversations with other people as much as possible. I get that the social cues and gambits NT people may use out of habit could appear as deceptions or misdirection, but that's not at all the intent unless the person is an actual manipulator or liar. I've met plenty of manipulators and liars, and they do use these tools to their advantage, but, at least in my case, that's never my intent.
Oh wait you too?
As in am I also autistic? No no, I’m just (perhaps in the wrong place at the wrong time) pushing back against the statement that neurotypical people like myself are lying all the time. Communicating in a way that is frustrating or confusing for ND people, perhaps, but lying is something else altogether.
Ooooh, terrific question. Good on you, as we say at our house.
So, what's your favourite dinosaur?
I usually say Iguanadon on balance, but Diplodocus is up there.
Stegosaurus is the correct answer.
Good calls!
I’ve never been diagnosed. In fact, I’m an empathic mental health therapist. I never understood the diagnosis. Now that I’m turning 70 and retired it has become clear that my fears and my differences make sense. Of course I never understood the diagnosis . . . for me it is simply normal. As I’ve looked back over my life there are finally things I understand, yet I’m still at a loss as to how to put the pieces of my puzzle together.
Thank you for this.
Also pushing 70.
Have realized over the last couple of years that I’m a toxic mix of being moderately-to-severely depressed while on the spectrum. Now reaching a point that I can’t imagine what it would be like to be normal other than (I presume) less stressed, short-tempered and Gary, which I attribute to frustrations of life given, IMO, extremely limited abilities or skills for a normal life. Too, there’s a lot of that If I knew then… thing. That is, if I knew then, maybe I would have done better in therapy. Maybe. But I would have made an effort not to get involved in what would end poorly — that is, pretty much every relationship in my life.
I should be clear that however judgmental I am about myself in no way is meant to extend to anyone else. I’m me and am a proven POS for reasons. Doesn’t mean that anyone like me is anywhere near as bad as I and I certainly don’t believe being anything like me means that POS thing. I see my life as a maze with only bad turns and no way out. Again, not imputing that to anyone else.
YMMV to say the absolute least.
Oh so familiar. Especially the relationship issue, but I was fortunate to find a good fit with a man as quirky as I. Actually one more intelligent who appreciates my oddness unconditionally. This was a turning point for my own POS view of self, but it still lurks in the shadow and finds its way out when I judge myself. Haha. Sadly this is most days. I’m currently reading Robert A. Johnson’s Owning Your Own Shadow. Aha moments galore!
Lucky! Good for you!
Are you on Twitter?
I am but mostly politics/current affairs/civilization collapse, nothing personal but I can of course be DM’d.
If you were I was simply going to follow. No worries. Some days I deal with it, others I stay away. I got involved because of my book—not the one already published but another I considered querying for representation. I am moving and putting most of my life in boxes until I want to jump back in. For now, I’m simply looking forward to getting baby chicks and a donkey. I may never leave home again except for groceries I can’t grow.
Did you 'know' before you 'knew'? As in did you suspect you may be, or seriously self-diagnose (or get told by someone close) prior to actual diagnosis?
Just curious - as I was formally diagnosed with ADHD (and a few comorbidities due to a lifetime of masking it) two months ago, and having an actual label has really made me take stock, despite having an inkling before.
I was formally diagnosed with ADHD in 2015, and it helped a great deal.
I have been sure about the autism for more than three years, but around a month and a half ago I got the ‘conclusive proof’, and similarly, it actually did make a lot more of a difference than I thought.
Do you think that adult diagnosis brings a sense of relief and a different perspective to being diagnosed as a child? Because for me autism is nothing more than a burden in my life, which I thought nerfed my social skills but actually does so much more damage than that.
I'd guess this would be hard for Laurie to know, having only being diagnosed as an adult. I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I was diagnosed very young with OCD... and I find it hard to feel positive about the diagnosis, but I can see how if I'd been diagnosed as an adult, the explanatory aspect of the diagnosis might have been a relief.
I'm generally very conflicted about a fully affirmative model of neurodivergence. I do think that society is structured in a lot of ways that have made having OCD harder to deal with (certainly a lot of childhood bullying) but I also think it would be frustrating and difficulty at best in a society tailored to my neurodivergence (which is frankly already tailored to my privileges of race and gender already!)
I'm debating whether to read 'Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking: A Life Lived Obsessively' or not!
How will this diagnosis change your life, do you think?
It’s already changed my life in a lot of ways. I’ve never not been autistic, but now I know that my autistic traits are morally neutral firmware. I can adapt better to neurotypical people now I know more about what life is like for them. I can stop beating myself up for things I can’t change and lean into the great parts of having this sort of brain.
Well this resonates!
Besides Facebook recommendations, what made you realise? I’ve wondered for a while if I might have ADD or something similar, but never managed to get round to looking into it (which may be further evidence of the problem…).
How do those two interact anyway? To an untrained outsider, they sound like opposites - autism making people hyper-focus on certain things, ADD damaging the ability to focus and concentrate…
Aha! It’s not well known enough, but ADHD also means you hyper-focus. It’s more like ‘difficulty regulating attention.’ I’m either very focused or not at all.