On the initial point, I actually struggle to think of a time when I deliberately or casually hurt someone like that. I’m not sure I ever have. Though maybe I have and never realised it, because it was never brought to my attention at the time? Or maybe I have but have just repressed the memory, because it was too shameful…
Anyway, I agree that shame and lack of kindness are big problems, certainly on the Internet. I’m not talking about you here, but we would all benefit from a little less self-righteous anger and condemnation and a little more tolerance, understanding and forgiveness. But that does require people to live in a world that sees other people as humans in the first place...
Building off what you said... it is unfortunately all too easy to make mistakes and hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise. And you know, not intending it doesn't matter if the other person is feeling the sting of hurt. Owning it and atoning, or trying to do better, is the responsible thing to do.
But we also all have inherent character flaws - and being more aware of these is also important if we are to work to improve our selves and our behaviours. One of mine, for example, is something you mentioned - unprovoked advice. I am so guilty of this, all the time. In my mind, I'm trying to be helpful because I care, because I think I can help and really want to. But it's not always welcome or needed or appropriate.
I am learning to shut up, and listen, and work out what the other person actually wants from me - because I would be horrified to find out that someone thought I was being glib, or patronising, or mansplaining, or nosy. And I *know* I am critical and pedantic, and thoughtful, and opinionated without being judgmental and close-minded... but why would anyone else assume that? So, I'm working on it. All the time.
Awareness of your faults means you can work at them. And that's how you do better. You can't stop making mistakes - because hello human - but you can do your best. Isn't that all any of us can do?
I totally do this too! I’m also trying to fix my fixer instincts. The multiamory podcast has a really great episode on this called The Triforce of Communication (not that you asked for podcast recommendations)
Yup! Agreed! So well articulated. Love the hot air balloon analogy. How fucking liberating it is to learn to let go and jump quickly! I reckon it is exactly this kind of development in emotional intelligence that will help us evolve as a species. Better ways of communicating and debating will save the world (or we’ll die out - one or the other).
This hot air balloon image has hooked itself in my brain and won’t go away. I feel the analogy can go further.
That opening of the novel ‘Enduring Love’ comes to mind. And that terrible balloon accident in Luxor 2013.
What complicates the ability to let go and land safely is if your loved ones are in the basket or clinging on. The consequences of you jumping will be losing them. Maybe there’s something to be said about tribalism? Maybe this is why it’s especially important to understand why a person would cling on till death. And why shouting angrily at them from the moral high ground will make them cling on tighter?
Wow, good read!
On the initial point, I actually struggle to think of a time when I deliberately or casually hurt someone like that. I’m not sure I ever have. Though maybe I have and never realised it, because it was never brought to my attention at the time? Or maybe I have but have just repressed the memory, because it was too shameful…
Anyway, I agree that shame and lack of kindness are big problems, certainly on the Internet. I’m not talking about you here, but we would all benefit from a little less self-righteous anger and condemnation and a little more tolerance, understanding and forgiveness. But that does require people to live in a world that sees other people as humans in the first place...
Oh- it doesn’t have to have been on purpose! And thank you xx
Superb piece, thanks for writing it.
Building off what you said... it is unfortunately all too easy to make mistakes and hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise. And you know, not intending it doesn't matter if the other person is feeling the sting of hurt. Owning it and atoning, or trying to do better, is the responsible thing to do.
But we also all have inherent character flaws - and being more aware of these is also important if we are to work to improve our selves and our behaviours. One of mine, for example, is something you mentioned - unprovoked advice. I am so guilty of this, all the time. In my mind, I'm trying to be helpful because I care, because I think I can help and really want to. But it's not always welcome or needed or appropriate.
I am learning to shut up, and listen, and work out what the other person actually wants from me - because I would be horrified to find out that someone thought I was being glib, or patronising, or mansplaining, or nosy. And I *know* I am critical and pedantic, and thoughtful, and opinionated without being judgmental and close-minded... but why would anyone else assume that? So, I'm working on it. All the time.
Awareness of your faults means you can work at them. And that's how you do better. You can't stop making mistakes - because hello human - but you can do your best. Isn't that all any of us can do?
I totally do this too! I’m also trying to fix my fixer instincts. The multiamory podcast has a really great episode on this called The Triforce of Communication (not that you asked for podcast recommendations)
(Haha I see what you did there…)
Thanks! I’ll check it out :)
Yup! Agreed! So well articulated. Love the hot air balloon analogy. How fucking liberating it is to learn to let go and jump quickly! I reckon it is exactly this kind of development in emotional intelligence that will help us evolve as a species. Better ways of communicating and debating will save the world (or we’ll die out - one or the other).
Also - drinking water tastes like drowning?!? 🤣
This hot air balloon image has hooked itself in my brain and won’t go away. I feel the analogy can go further.
That opening of the novel ‘Enduring Love’ comes to mind. And that terrible balloon accident in Luxor 2013.
What complicates the ability to let go and land safely is if your loved ones are in the basket or clinging on. The consequences of you jumping will be losing them. Maybe there’s something to be said about tribalism? Maybe this is why it’s especially important to understand why a person would cling on till death. And why shouting angrily at them from the moral high ground will make them cling on tighter?